Romancing Your Wife

Written by Dave Klassen

Guys, let’s face it. Some of us have a long way to go in the romance department. We know our wife wants it, we know we’re supposed to do it, but it just doesn’t come naturally to us.

When we first begin to court a woman, our step is lighter and our inner Romeo is unleashed. Driven to win her heart, romantic creativity seems to flow easily. Every day is a new surprise: flowers, candies, love notes and dates. However, when “I want to marry this woman” turns into “We’re married for life,” we often settle into a nice, comfortable rut. The stretches between our romantic efforts grow longer and longer, until we rely on Hallmark’s annual reminder that it’s Valentine’s Day.

I remember the night I realized that I had been dropping the romance ball. It was almost midnight, and my wife suddenly remembered she’d forgotten to buy some string licorice, which she needed the next morning for Sunday school. She asked me if I’d go out to the store to get some for her. So I dutifully headed off to our local Mac’s store. Unfortunately, they didn’t have what I was looking for, so I drove home preparing to tell her that she was going to have to think of something else to use.

Then it struck me, like a lightning bolt out of the clear blue sky. When we were first dating, I wouldn’t have given up so easily. When my damsel was in distress, I alone stood to save her! Back then I would have stayed up all night if necessary, checking every store in town for string licorice!

In a moment of romantic bliss I turned the car around and headed for another store, then another, and another. I was love-struck once again. Thankfully it didn’t take me all night – just 45 minutes. It was a small price to pay to show my wife that she was loved.

And that’s what romance is really all about. When men think of romance, we often connect it to the desired end result – sex. It could be because we’re often told, “If you would only romance me more…” Nevertheless, end result shouldn’t be our focus. Romance is often little more than making my wife smile.

We also mistakenly think that romance always requires a five-star production. We picture hours of elaborate and expensive preparations for an event that she will never forget. But sometimes simple is better than complex, and the element of surprise can be our greatest ally. Our wives want to feel cherished for who they are and thought of when they feel they’ve been forgotten. They want to be noticed, pampered, listened to and, more than anything, fed mounds of luscious chocolate. Actually, what they really want is just to be shown a little appreciation.

Maybe you want to romance your wife, but your stockpile of ideas is running low. If you’re looking for something other than dinner and a movie, here are a few ideas to get you started.

1. Flower power - Now, you may be thinking, “Flowers? I thought you said this was going to be creative!” Well, hold on there. You may have done the flower thing before, but an old idea can be given new life. The next time you buy your wife flowers, think outside the box. Most florists sell small glass vases for one or two dollars. Buy a dozen or so roses, and the same number of vases. Put one rose in each vase, and hide them all over the house – in the kitchen, the laundry room, the bathroom, the closet, the bedroom. Then attach a pink paper heart to each one, telling her something you appreciate about her – something like, “I really appreciate the way you do my laundry every week.” Put a note on the front door saying, “You are now entering the Romance Zone – Heart Hats required!” Then get out of the house and allow her to discover it on her own!

2. Quotes for your queen - A picture may be worth a thousand words, but a thousand words can paint quite a picture! Enter “love quotes” or “romance quotes” into an Internet search engine. Print out the best thoughts of romantics down through the ages, and cut them out individually. Then tape them all over the house for your beloved to find (this idea will also go over big with your daughters). Sometimes, the best way to express our heart is by borrowing somebody else’s words. On the other hand…

3. Roses are red, violets are blue - Why not try to write your own poetic masterpiece? Now wait, before you laugh, realize that your poetry does not have to compare favourably to Ralph Waldo Emerson for you to be able to do this. Remember that whole, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” thing. What you think is the world’s worst poem could have your wife praising you as a literary genius, simply because you cared enough to express your love in this way. So dust off your quill pen and start writing!

4. A song in your heart - If you’re anything like me, you may have a lot of singing in you but it just doesn’t seem to come out very well. Find one of those instant recording studios at the mall and record her favourite song. Gather some of your buddies together, call yourselves the Love Connection or some other romantic name, and sing the song. Alternatively, buy an album with your old dating music on it and play it before you take her out for dinner, or end the night with a dance in the middle of your ballroom (I mean, living room).

5. Why reinvent the wheel? - Leave a message on the answering machine, “I just called to tell you I appreciate you and wanted to say I love you.” Send her an e-mail message, referring her to a web site that has a poem or love song you like. Or how about digging out one of those old love letters you wrote her and resending it via the mail, with a “P.S. I still feel this way” added at the bottom.

6. The perfect picnic - One day at lunch, pick up her favourite food: Chinese take-out, pizza, sushi, an all desert buffet – whatever she likes. Bring it home and slip it into a picnic basket. Lay out a blanket on your living room floor, maybe even in front of a crackling fire, and enjoy a romantic meal for two.

7. Heart attack - About a week ahead of time, send her an e-mail that says, “Beware: the King of Hearts is going to strike.” Buy a huge bag of red cinnamon hearts, chocolate hearts, plastic hearts or paper hearts – as many different types as you can find. Hide them everywhere you can think of: in her drawers, her purse, her cupboards and her pockets. When she opens her wallet at the grocery store, hearts fall out. When she lowers the sun visor in her car, hearts rain down on her. The more bothersome the better (without seriously inconveniencing her, of course)! Actually, inconvenience may be a good thing!

8. All-inclusive dinners - If you want to give your wife a fabulous evening out, but you feel overwhelmed by planning all the details, consider an all-inclusive dinner offered by many hotels and restaurants (especially around Valentine’s Day). You pay one price, covering dinner, wine, dessert, and a pair of tickets to the theatre or a sporting event (note: if you’re trying to make your wife smile, only take her to a sporting event if she actually likes sports!). This is an easy way to plan an elaborate, memorable evening together.

As I have done the unexpected things I wouldn’t normally do to express my feelings to my wife, I’ve discovered how much fun it actually is to surprise someone. Even more importantly, as I have set up some of these things, I have been reminded how much I still love my wife. Above all, remember that romance is spelled E-F-F-O-R-T. It is fun, but it is also work. Take the time to study your wife; get a masters degree in pleasing her. Learn what it is that sets her heart fluttering, and then get to it!

Make Your Differences Work For You

Written by Beth Scholes

The things that draw us together when dating and getting to know each other are often the very things that cause conflicts a few years into marriage.  How do we embrace our differences? How can we love each other through the strengths and weaknesses our differences create?

In our twenty plus years of marriage, finances have been always been an area that brings out the  differences between my husband and I.  I remember finances coming up as an issue for the first time while we were dating.  I had received some money as a gift and was excited to have some money to spend, on me.  His first reaction and strong suggestion was that I put it toward my school bill.  YUCK!  That thought had not even crossed my mind. This money was prioritized for FUN, obviously!

Finding a budget that works for us

When we first were married, he drew up a budget. That was a very responsible and good thing to do as newlyweds with very limited resources.  Except that, I hate budgets!  I fully endorse wise financial decisions, and often a budget is a means to this end, but my personality hates budgets!  He asked me to keep track of every receipt so we could track our spending.  UGH!  It truly is not possible for me, and I was VERY frustrated when I tried to do it.

We have always lived on a budget, but it has morphed and changed over the years for a couple of reasons. First, I hate the word “budget”.  I feel myself choking just by saying that word, because I feel controlled by the “mighty budget”.  Believe it or not, changing that word to a “spending plan”, brings a much needed sigh of relief for me.  I can relax and know that I am in control of the plan to spend.

When we changed the terminology and tweaked a few ways of doing things, it made a huge difference for us.  To him it was just a word, but he never belittled me or mocked me. He recognized my need in this and now calls it by the new name.  I recognize his need to know where our money is going, and with the spending plan I can keep track of what goes where.

We made our differences work for us instead of against us. No two people are the same so they have different priorities.  There are several things that can help in understanding your personality differences and using this knowledge to enhance your marriage.

1. Understand what the differences are.

My idea of a fun birthday is “the more the merrier”.  A party is an excellent idea with games and great food and 15-20 minimum of my closest friends.  When we were first married I didn’t understand my husband’s desire to have birthdays and Christmas as just us.  The “us” has grown from the two of us to the five of us over the past 20 years.  I have come to accept this as one of our differences.  I gain energy from people.  My husband enjoys a select few people and is drained by interaction with people.  He gains energy from down time, quiet time and going out “just us”.  We have come to an agreement over the years that I get to throw him a party on the decade birthdays, and it is just us the rest of the time.

2.  Understand why the differences are that way. Often times we think the other person is doing that “thing” just to irritate us and they should stop, just because. . . In reality that “thing” is often an innate part of their personality that they really cannot change without great difficulty.  Doing a personality test is a great help to learn why you do what you do.  Here at FamilyLife Canada we use the Personal Style Indicator.  There are many options to choose from.

3. Accept the differences and stop trying to change each other. There are many things in our relationship where change is not necessary, acceptance is.  However, no one is perfect and owning our weaknesses is important. Each of us is a work in progress.  The first step is to turn your eyes back to yourself.  What complaints does your spouse have that you need to work on?  You cannot change anyone else so if change is needed, start with yourself.  Next, I suggest you make a list of all the things you love and appreciate about your spouse, remember the things that brought you together.  Look at that list and see how much you are drawn to the personality you married.  Then accept some of the things that may bug you, and let stuff go.  Perspective can make a huge difference.

4.  Focus on your spouses’ needs. This will require some shifting for each of you.  A good starting point is asking yourselves if something is of larger importance to one of you than the other. Once you identify some of those things one of you shifts to accommodate the other.  For example, in our finance story I got hung up on the word “budget”.  My husband shifted to “spending plan” for me because the new terminology was no big deal for him.  This example was something kind of silly, but it mattered to me.  There will be things in every marriage that will be on the “kind of silly, but matters” list, and there will be things on the REALLY matters list.  Work together to identify some areas in which each of you can shift to accommodate each other.

Finally, communicate with each other.  Communication is so important! Talk things through, make a plan and celebrate the unique couple the two of you are together!  Find a book on personality styles to help you.  How do you see the differences in your marriage?  How have your differences helped you do life stronger and better?  What hurdles do you currently need to overcome, together?

Love…Where Are You?

Written by Lynn Mosher

What is love? Is it definable? Is it a feeling? A passion? Is love always romantic? The dictionary defines love as, “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection for a parent, child, or friend, sexual desire, affectionate concern for the well-being of others, the benevolent affection of God for His creatures or the reverent affection due from them to God.”

Passions and feelings can be fickle; they can change. So, where do you look for a  love that lasts?

* in a bar
* in a friend
* in a marriage
* in a father or mother
* in a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Is it found…

* in status
* in things
* in money
* in a career
* in notoriety
* in possessions
* in power or position?

Where is this love?

If you’re looking for love in the people or things in the above lists, you’re looking in all the wrong places. You must first look inward. If you have no love within you, you will not be able to give love to another.

Do you yearn for that special love, the kind of love that believes in you, nurtures you, encourages you, supports you, comforts you, is always there for you? Do you wonder if this elusive, unchanging, lasting-forever-kind-of-love exists? It does exist.  This love comes in the person of Jesus Christ.

You love yourself and others, you find that perfect love, when you give your heart to Jesus. He loves you. Have you loved Him back? The disciple John wrote in one of his letters, “We love Him because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19, NKJV)

You have been loved with an everlasting, all-sacrificing, all-forgiving, unconditional, perfect love. You are beloved. Cherished. To die for. Jesus says to you, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you.” (John 15:16a, NKJV)

You are the one He loves; He gave His life for you. “This is My body which is given for you.” (Luke 22:19 NKJV)

The apostle Paul wrote, “Long before [God] laid down earth’s foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love,” (Eph. 1:4a, The Message). When you know this kind of precious love, you will begin to truly love yourself and others. Your love life will be in order.

So, what or whom do you love? If I asked you to answer, without thinking, what you love the most, what would be your immediate response? Your boyfriend or girlfriend, your spouse, your children, your car, your bank account, your physical appearance, your iPod, your cell phone?

Jesus asks you, “Do you love Me more than these others?” (John 21:15, TLB)

“We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in His love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect.” (1 John 4:16-17a NLT)

May you know this perfect love.

What Women Want: Listen with Your Heart

Written by Dr. Gary Smalley

1. Make and keep eye contact. Few things assure your loved one that you are listening closely more than making eye contact. Without making it seem like you are staring through her, lock your eyes on hers and listen to what she has to say.

2.  Cease all other activity. When your loved one wants to talk to you-when she has something very important to talk to you about and needs your undivided attention-make sure you can do it in an atmosphere free of other activity.

3. Let your loved one know you are being attentive. In addition to keeping eye contact, let her know that you are listening closely and attentively by acknowledging what she’s saying through head nods and other signs of attentiveness.

4. Speak occasional words of agreement or understanding

. While you listen to your loved one, it is good to interject words that communicate that you understand how that person feels. Simple statements such as, “I can see how you would feel that way,” or “I would feel the same way myself” can do much to communicate that you are listening with you heart.

5. Ignore all interruptions. Sometimes a man and his loved one need to get to a place where there is no chance they will be interrupted so they can just talk. When you take the time to listen with your heart, try to do it where you won’t be interrupted.

How women say men can become experts at listening with their hearts:

• Solve problems with me, not for me.”
• “Just listen. Give me a chance to voice my inner thoughts and feelings.”
• “Listen without offering unsolicited advice or blame.”
• “Teach me your problem solving skills.”
• “If you don’t understand what I’m saying, ask me questions.”
• “Offer feedback that says you understand what I’m telling you.”
• “Be compassionate as you listen.”
• “Resist laughing or mocking me in what I have to say.”
• “Offer me advice with humility.”
• “Use facial expressions and body language so that I know you’re really hearing me.”

You CAN Have Straight A’s in YOUR Marriage

Written by Gail Rodgers

He stood at my kitchen counter drinking a cup of coffee. Our overnight guest casually spoke about summer plans he made with his wife. It sounded nice  –  a few picnics, a couple of quick weekend trips, kids sports events to take in, maybe a holiday that they had talked about for a long time.  Then he paused and asked me, “Do you know where I made the decision to do those things this summer? In Intensive Care a few months ago.” A life threatening illness had brought this fresh perspective.

He went on: “We tend to run a marriage like a business, and it’s not.”

With that he put his coffee cup in the sink and was off.

I realized that I had just heard a profound statement on marriage.

“We tend to run a marriage like a business, and it’s not.”

Had our friend hit the nail on the head in addressing the “business of marriage”?

I pondered the thought all day. I recalled recent examples where marriages melted away. In these young marriages one partner was often completely blindsided by the withdrawal of the other.

The real core of what marriage is about could be missed. The checklist of outward things could be checked off just like a business list and a young couple could believe their “business of marriage” was running just fine.

1. A nice home in a decent neighborhood.
2. Well maintained cars to drive.
3. Enough food in the fridge.
4. Kids who seem to be doing okay in school.
5. Turkey at thanksgiving and gifts at Christmas.
6. Clothes we generally need and want … and can afford.
7. Kids playing sports and arriving safely to their events.
8. Church we (occasionally) visit on Sunday.
9. Frequent trips to eat out at restaurants.

Everything checked off. Oh sure, they were busy. Who isn’t these days? And yes, money was tight now and then, but they managed. They had their differences of opinions and a few issues, but nothing huge. Doesn’t everyone fight now and then? They were keeping the “business of marriage” afloat … or so they thought. Until one withdrew … and they began to realize their marriage was in trouble.

“We tend to run a marriage like a business, and it’s not.”  No, it’s not. The report card for a marriage is quite different than that of a business.

The core of marriage is what is happening on the inside of the two individuals. It actually has very little to do with the fine material trappings we work so hard to acquire.

John and I get asked what it is that makes our marriage (several decades strong) so solid. We think back over the years and wonder ourselves. We too have traversed the ups and downs of moves, raising three kids, times apart, busy days, running businesses through good and hard times, and just the everyday stuff of life.

We know we haven’t always made the wisest decisions. We know God has held us. We also know we have had a deep desire to stay connected.

Staying connected is the most important ingredient in every marriage.

As we think of our marriage we discover there are five A’s that we have actively put into practice in our lives. Many times we weren’t even aware of it. Not all the A’s were necessarily there at the same time. Yet as we ponder them, and the years gone by, we see that these things were anchors or cornerstones that kept us connected beyond the “business of marriage” and the busyness of life.

Staying connected … to God and to each other.  This is the key.

Perhaps listing our five A’s out can help those who come after us. It’s really a combination of common sense, good manners, and an attitude of treasuring each other and our marriage

Appreciation: Take time to say “thank you”.

Don’t take for granted the things your partner does in your relationship. Actively look for them. Express gratitude for them. From cooking a meal, picking up milk, helping the kids with their homework, to going out the door to work every morning to help provide for the family. Express gratitude.

Affirmation: Point out the good things you see in your partner.

It’s far easier to point out the negative and overlook the positive. Try overlooking the negative and polishing up the positive instead. Look for the qualities you admire and express how you feel about them. Don’t let compliments become so rare they are uncomfortable. Something as simple as “You’re a good parent” lets your partner know you see the good and you’re choosing to put your focus there. Be aware of where you are choosing to focus and find the good.

Approval: Let your partner know you have a good opinion of him/her.

Silence and sarcasm can be deadly to a relationship. Does your partner know you have a good opinion of him/her? Is (s)he confident that you speak well of him/her?  Does your partner know you are committed to them alone?

Any silent disapproval will knock the foundation right out from under your marriage.  Be aware of the subtle disapproval signals you may be giving. Find the things you are proud of in your partner and let them be known to others. It helps safeguard your marriage as well.

Affection: Give lots of non-sexual touching.

Touch is a powerful thing. It can reduce anxiety and tension. Give physical touch often, outside the bedroom, with no expectations attached to it.  Hug in the morning. Kiss good-bye and hello. Take your partner’s hand when you walk somewhere. Put your arm around the him or her. In moments when you sense tension in your partner and you don’t know what to say, give a hug and express, “I don’t know what to say but I love you.” Touch often. The warmth of this type of touching will also enrich the sexual side of your marriage.

Attention: Make eye contact.

During your busy daily life, do you usually communicate as you run out the door, or call from another room? When you speak to your partner take the time to look into one another’s eyes.  Look up from the TV or computer. Notice when your partner looks especially nice. Look at your partner with eyes that see and listen with ears that really hear. It may seem a small thing but it makes a big impact. Make eye contact when you say goodnight. Go to bed at the same time.

You cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself and your behavior. That focus alone will bring great improvement to a marriage. This is the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Your marriage can be a haven from the busy demands. It doesn’t need to be a tension filled, empty place. You can help begin to create change today. By putting the five A’s into practice you can make sure your marriage moves toward becoming that “safe place” for each of you to come and be free to be yourselves.

Start now! Begin today to focus on your own behavior with the five A’s and I guarantee you will change your marriage.

30 day Challenge

If you can share the five A’s with your partner and choose together to put them into practice for one month, the difference it will make will astound you.  If you can’t share them yet, put them into practice yourself and watch the impact.

Marriage is the highest of all human relationships and our Creator, God, will help you grow yours into the marriage you desire.

God in Heaven, I want my marriage to grow and be better than it is today. Please help me to put these five A’s into practice. Please give me the right attitude, give me the patience, and remind me every day to be conscious of these five A’s. Thank you for my partner. Please help me to learn how to connect in these five A ways this month. Thank you that You care. Amen.

Spicy Sex

Written by Erin Ursel

At 16, I had been kissed, but never reciprocated. When I finally encountered a guy I actually wanted to kiss, I called on my best friend for advice. “Close your eyes, open your mouth and it’s a done deal,” she said.

When the opportunity for my first real kiss showed up, I leaned in. He closed his eyes; I closed mine. He opened his mouth; I froze. Nothing happened. In fact, the only thing I could do was grab my shoes and run out the front door towards a bus stop. The ride home was a blur. That night, I learned kissing doesn’t come naturally. Today, I know that neither does sex.

The older I get, the more I realize good things take time. If I plan to stay married, have fun and build a strong family, I have to put effort into my relationship. And if I want us to be a strong couple, sex must be a priority. We need to keep it fresh and exciting. How do we do that?

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Many couples only talk about sex right before, during, or just after they have it. Why is that? If sex is a major part of marriage, why don’t we talk about it more often?

The foundation for great sex is an intimate relationship with your partner. That it turn comes from open, honest communication. Turn off the TV, close your book, and talk. Talk about your expectations; talk about what you like and what you don’t; talk about what you want. If we wait until we’re having sex to vent our frustrations, desires, inadequacies or insecurities, it takes away from the experience.

I’m too sexy for my man.

We often go to great lengths to impress others – colleagues, friends, even acquaintances – but we forget to take the same care for the person who matters most. Ask your husband what he finds attractive. Does he like it when you dress up? Does lipstick turn him on? And perfume? Or does he prefer you au naturel? If you’re comfortable with his suggestions, go ahead, tempt him. He’ll appreciate it and you’ll both reap the benefits.

My girl wants to party all the time.

Most men think about sex about 39 times a day. Most women don’t. No wonder when your husband asks you if you want to “go upstairs” you might reply “What for?” Preparing for sex builds excitment. Giving it some thought ahead of time can help make the experience more enjoyable. Think of it as getting ready for a party.

When throwing a party, we women go to great lengths. We remember the tiniest details. Not only do we sweep, scrub and decorate the house, we make sure we look and feel fabulous ourselves. Do we take the same care preparing for the party in our bedroom?

Since sex is one of life’s keenest pleasures, a little extra care in planning will heighten our anticipation and enhance our experience. Some couples add ambiance with candles and sparking nectars. Others have fun with scavenger hunts leading up to the bedroom. Experiment with ways to spice things up. Be daring, while ensuring both of you still enjoy yourselves.

Are we having fun yet?

Finally, laughter is truly the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself, even in the bedroom. Enjoy each other. Don’t be too serious. Let your conversation be playful and your heart light. Sex was created for pleasure; it’s a gift the two of you share. Enjoy it as one of the benefits of a fulfilling marriage.